Last Letter to Self
This is Lauren’s last letter to herself, before she started journaling. This was after her freshman year in High School. It mentions William again, but introduces her new crush Bryan.
unfinishedjournals17
A Yearly Update (Re-post)
This note was previously published to give an idea to those following what she wrote and at different times of her life. If you read the previous two notes, she mentions she had no BF or BFF. She found her BFF by the time summer came around. She loved hang out with Brianna and her family.
Before Lauren started keeping journals, at a very young age she wrote herself a note every year before her birthday. This is the note she wrote to herself when she was 12 years old. In the note she refers to GLASA which stands for Greater Lewisville Area Soccer Association. This note was gifted to her grade school BFF mentioned in the note.
It’s Me
Lauren wrote two notes to herself in early 2005. She was already worldly traveler at 12 years old. Not sure why she was upset with Mr. Hameric. Again, she tells herself not to do drugs.
Lauren at 12 years old
To and From
This note was written in the Fall of 2004, but Lauren did not date this note. I am always amazed at her handwriting at 12 years old. She mentions Boe one of our cats that she named. There was always debate over how his name was spelled. The name came from the instrument she played in band, the oboe. Toby, her bother, did insist on many occasions that the cat’s name was spelled Bow. A debate he always lost.
Lauren and Boe
First Note to Self
This is Lauren’s first note to self at the age of 11 in the year 2003. Over the next few days you will see the notes she wrote at a young age. Notice the writing slightly changes and the lines become more.
The P.S. is so bitter sweet. I wish she had listened to herself.
Woodpecker at the Lake
This blog was written while Lauren worked as a Park Ranger at Lake Ray Roberts just north of Denton, Texas. How wonderful would it be to take the time to see the beautiful nature that is all around us.
Beautiful Angel
This is a story in drawings. What story do you see? Maybe a different order?
Our angel and artist – Lauren Smith
A Yearly Update
Before Lauren started keeping journals, at a very young age she wrote herself a note every year before her birthday. This is the note she wrote to herself when she was 12 years old. In the note she refers to GLASA which stands for Greater Lewisville Area Soccer Association. This note was gifted to her grade school BFF mentioned in the note.
Relief 4/21
This is a poem Lauren wrote shortly before graduating from high school. The last stanza was read at her funeral and it explained why people to this day are still finding piece of things she left. The picture above is a self portrait she painted in acrylic, that we found in her belongings at her apartment.
Relief 4/21
I sit here among nature, as much nature as I can get in this town, substitution calm, temporary peace. The blue skies are my medicine, the sun burns away the dark tendrils of my mind as they try to surround, consume.
My heart is crumbling, slowly collapsing with neglect.
Thoughts poison feelings and pollute emotion just as emotion defines thoughts and colors feelings.
One day I’ll carry the sun with me, replacing my dying heart with a more lasting entity.
I want the light.
I am forever losing myself, drowning in the world that I try to love from afar.
Each time its harder to come back, harder to pour the cement that will root me to the ground.
I don’t know where I want to be, and the cement disintegrates.
I need to find stronger bindings.
Try to forget.
Look around but don’t think
Clear skies like a cover
Wrap yourself in the sunlight so that your darkness doesn’t escape
Push back your thoughts
Try to forget.
Relish the moment
Carry your heart in your pocket, sleeves are too risky
Try to forget.
Hold on to the happiness so that the sad wont ensnare you
Try to forget.
Illogical.
Stop wasting your time on the improbable.
Every thought is consumed.
This is why you lose yourself.
Stop looking for one thing, you blind your eyes from everything else.
Leave your poor heart alone.
I write by streetlight. Most use lamplight or candlelight but I make due.
The sun set so fast. I prefer sunlight.
Cars drive past. On every side there are cars. The noise engulfs my little field of green.
Clouds edge the sky, no longer daytime. They darken to violet, spurts of orange. Not my blue.
The ground is hard, the grass is here and mimics green but brown adorns each blade.
I want to leave something everywhere I go.
Every moment littered with a piece of me.
If every place I’ve been has something of mine, it would be like I never left.
Like I’m everywhere at once.
Its hard to get lost when you’re everywhere.
Its easy to get lost when you’re everywhere.
Someone would find me though.
I want to leave something everywhere I go so that when I get lost more people could find me.
The Lucky Picture
I love this story from one of Lauren’s friends that she worked with at Bass Pro – Denham Springs, LA. At the top of the picture Lauren wrote, “Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.” See here friends story below the picture.
Lauren gave me that coloring years ago when we worked at the BassPro Store in Denham together along with numerous other doodles that she had drawn over time. When she passed away they became very special to me. When I left BassPro I kept them in an envelope and stored them away at my house. When my house flooded I was able to go back into the house on her birthday. I was distraught once I realized I had lost “or thought so” all of her art work that she gave me. At the same time I happened to turn around and see that coloring picture that I had on the fridge completely unharmed. Everything else had been thrown off the fridge or splashed with water, except for this one page. I knew it was her looking out for me! It now hangs in my living room in a frame.
Unfinished Journals 